Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked) by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
A little past 10:00pm, I was dressed to the nines at Brasserie 8-1/2.
Located on the corner of "Right Now" and "Everyone Was There"...
it was the place to see and be seen.
Look at that one.
Mary, hail a cab.
- Do you think he's a model? - A model what?
A model citizen, a model home...
- a model airplane? - I think he's the dirty-haired Gucci guy...
- with clean hair. - He's so versatile.
- Why don't you go over and say hello? - He's gorgeous.
The only way to get a guy like him interested in me would be to pay.
My love, there's no need for you to enter Hookerville.
Carrie, I know what I look like.
Then you can't see what I see.
Carrie!
Lynne Cameron was a much sought after fashion-show producer...
as valuable to a show's success as Valium or Velcro.
I just told Damian you have just so fucking saved my life.
- I did? - Sorry, this is my boyfriend, Damian.
I use the term "boyfriend" loosely, as Damian is clearly a homosexual.
In that case, this is my boyfriend, Stanford.
You so have to be in this fashion show I'm doing.
A mix of models and New York people with style.
And no one is more New York or has more style than you.
Lynne, I'm a writer.
You're fucking doing my show if I have to hunt you down...
skin you alive, and have one of the other models fucking wear you.
I'll call you next week. Could this place be any louder?
Bye.
I am so coming.
To what? I'm not a model.
Then you can't see what I see.
I'll start with a salad with extra blue cheese dressing. Thank you.
Are the vegetables on the veggie plate organic?
They have beef pot pie on the menu, what do you think?
I'll just have a cup of hot water with lemon. Thank you.
Isn't it hard to eat just organic all the time?
It is so hard.
Last night I could not stop thinking about a Big Mac.
I finally had to get dressed, go out and pick up a guy.
Talk about a happy meal.
Lady, you have never looked better. Your body is amazing.
I hope so.
I'm having nude photographs taken on Wednesday.
What're you gonna do? Have postcards made up...
to hand out to prospective dates?
This is not about a man's approval.
This photo is just for me.
So when I'm old and my tits are in my shoes...
I can look at it and say, "Damn, I was hot."
- Isn't that a little narcissistic? - No one thinks that...
when you get your seventh-grade picture taken.
- You weren't naked in that. - That we know of.
Look, I like my body.
I'm getting these pictures taken, what's the big problem?
No problem, you're my hero.
I think it's fantastic that you can just put it out there.
I can't even say yes to being in some charity fashion show.
- "New York Style"? - Yeah.
You were asked to be part of that? That's huge.
- All the top designers are doing it. - They want you to be a model?
No, it's a mix of real people...
and models. I know the producer.
You have to do it, you live for fashion.
I do not live for fashion.
How many fashion shows did you drag me to during Fashion Week?
- Eight, what's your point? - Why are you turning down...
- the chance to actually be in one? - I do not belong on a runway.
Runways are for models, not writers.
What's the difference between strutting down a runway...
and the way you strut down Fifth Avenue?
Strut?
- Do I strut? Am I a strutter? - I think it'd be fun.
I was a teen model when the Ralph Lauren store opened in New Haven.
Okay, it's amazing I was able to keep my lunch down just now.
I just...
I cannot imagine walking down a runway while people sit there and judge me.
- No one would judge you. - We judge models all the time.
But you're not a model, you're one of the real people.
Exactly.
I don't want people to think that I can't see the difference between a model and me.
Who gives a fuck what people think? This is a fabulous opportunity.
Honey.
- You'll probably get to keep the clothes. - I thought of that!
- I'd do it in a New York minute. - So would I.
What do you think, mutey?
While Miranda would never dream of walking on a runway...
she had no problem running on one.
I happen to know you were on that treadmill for longer than 30 minutes.
That's illegal here at Crunch Fitness.
I'm starting to train for the marathon.
- First time. - Wow!
Good for you.
I was the captain of my high-school track team, but the marathon...
I'm Dave.
Miranda.
Have a good workout.
That's it?
- Is there more? - I hope so.
I've been watching you for months. I think that you are very sexy.
So, what's the problem?
He said, "I think you're very sexy."
And?
I was wearing no makeup and my Hanes $3 old man's undershirt.
Nice.
I can't believe a guy would think that I was sexy.
- Okay, I'm hanging up now. - I'm serious.
Smart, yes.
Sometimes cute, but never sexy. Sexy is the thing...
I try to get them to see me as, after I win them over with my personality.
You win men over with your personality?
They want you to be a model?
Okay, I'm hanging up now.
Later that night, I got to thinking about Narcissus.
A man so consumed with his own image, he drowned in it.
Did he have no best friends to mirror back a healthier view of himself?
And why is it that we can see our friends perfectly...
but when it comes to ourselves, no matter how hard we look...
do we ever see ourselves clearly?
Samantha, on the other hand, saw herself a little too clearly.
Okay, Samantha...
Tiger, here, has a variety of music choices to ease you into the shoot...
and help you to feel more comfortable. Tiger?
- I've got some Steely Dan... - I'm comfortable.
Okay. Camera, Tiger.
Yes, sir.
- Do you like your gynecologist? - She's amazing, why?
I think I might wanna see someone else.
- What's happening? - Trey and I are still just talking.
- We're not ready to move back in yet. - What's happening with your vagina?
Sweetie, I'm not bugged, it's just us listening.
Maybe a yeast infection. But my gynecologist says no.
- But something's definitely off. - What are the symptoms?
I don't wanna talk about this. Can you call my machine and leave her number?
Do you know anyone that Stanford could go out with?
If we don't find someone, he's gonna start dating hookers.
Hookers?
Exactly.
Charlotte...
would you say that I'm strutting right now?
Charlotte decided for Stanford Blatch, it would have to be someone cute.
Someone with style, someone like...
Anthony Marantino, her wedding-gown stylist.
- What? - Anthony, hi. It's Charlotte York MacDougal.
Sorry, thought it was my mother. 15 phone calls to make sure...
I get her the cheapest sheets I can, from Bed, Bath and friggin' Beyond.
I was wondering if you were dating anyone now.
I'm dating everyone now, why?
I have this friend, Stanford...
What's he look like?
He is adorable.
In a movie, who would play him?
I don't know...
A younger Ed Harris.
That's hot.
And speaking of hot, Miranda ended her first date with Captain Crunch.
- That was fun. - I hope I didn't talk too much.
I think the only words you actually said all night were, "That was fun."
God, you are so sexy.
What? You don't think so?
Maybe he was right.
After all, who was Miranda to argue with the Captain?
- Hello? - Miss Motherfucker...
why have you not returned my last 200 phone calls?
Lynne.
I really don't think that I should do this show.
I mean, come on, I am not a model. And as much as I would like to think...
Carrie, you're in or you're out, I don't have time for this.
I'm sure Dolce & Gabbana can find someone else to dress.
Dolce & Gabbana?
Each designer picks the person they want to dress.
Dolce & Gabbana picked me?
Yes, fuckette. And those are some picky Italians.
Do you think that I would be able to keep the outfit?
What's up, love?
I'm coming.
Me likie.
Perfect in the bust and the waist. Turn, love.
Do we likie?
No likie the length.
We must take it up about four feet.
I know, I'm too short.
But I'm very comfortable in heels. Honestly, the higher the better.
So feel free to put me up in the big gal shoes.
Walk, love.
If we gave it to Heidi, we wouldn't have to take it up.
Heidi Klum?
Yes, turn, love.
Yes, trot back.
Trot?
Good.
Look what the pussies dragged in.
Hello, Oscar.
We're just calling me "O" now, love.
Who's this?
Carrie Bradshaw, our New York Style model.
Model, God, no.
- I'm a writer. - I'm Paul Denai.
- I'm a photographer. I'm... - Sure, I love...
- I'm sorry. - No, I'm sorry. I just...
I know your photographs.
I'm doing a little behind-the-scenes book about Fashion Week.
Do you mind if I shoot your fitting?
Sorry, I wasn't ready. So go ahead.
That's the point, don't mind me. I like the element of surprise.
I could give you a surprise, love.
Now, what's your opinion, love?
- Me love or him love? - You, love.
I don't know, whatever you think.
No, changed my mind, got something better.
That was bad.
I'm sorry, I'm very uncomfortable having my photograph taken.
How does a girl who doesn't like having her picture taken wind up in a fashion show?
I'm in it for the free goods.
Maybe...
if I explained how a camera works over a glass of wine sometime...
I've...
- never been a gal to turn down a free lesson. - Or a free dress.
Here it is. Do we likie?
We likie!
And speaking of uncomfortable...
Okay...
you can put your legs down now.
It is not a yeast infection.
- It's not? - I have an entire file of women...
all with the same symptoms. Itching, stinging, burning.
All of them think they have a yeast infection. It's not.
It could be vulvodynia.
- Is it serious? - No.
It's mostly just uncomfortable. We can get it under control.
I'm gonna prescribe a light antidepressant.
- But I'm not depressed. - It's not for you. It's for your vagina.
Your vagina's depressed?
The mood elevator sort of corrects the imbalance.
Wait, how do you know your vagina's depressed?
- There are symptoms. - It can't meet its deadline?
It always wants to go to Krispy Kreme?
It's so funny, my vagina's depressed.
Stop.
- I might have vulvodynia. - Vulva-what-ya?
So, everyday...
I have to keep a vagina journal.
Come on.
A "Dear vagina, why so blue?" Kind of journal?
"Dear vagina...
"guess who I have a crush on?"
More like:
"Itchy today? Not itchy."
- Sounds like a bestseller. - Ready to order?
I guess we're still waiting. But could I have a hot water and lemon?
Thanks.
I'm fine, but, Charlotte, maybe your hmm-hmm would like an order of fries.
I guess not, thank you.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to pick up my nude contact sheets.
Look.
Okay, but only until the food arrives.
Charlotte, I want your professional art-eye opinion.
That's not very arty.
I can see your...
Everything.
This is the full frontal. I just did that to warm up.
You should have warned me, really.
What's the big deal? It's just a vagina.
It's magnified. I've never even seen mine that close.
You've never seen yourself up close and personal?
- Have you seen yours that close? - How'd I get involved?
You've never looked at yourself with a hand mirror?
Oh, my God!
Honey, I insist you go home right now and take a look.
Or better yet, take my compact and make a quick trip to the ladies' room.
I don't want to look.
I think it's ugly.
Maybe that's why it's depressed.
What did I miss?
On their second date...
Miranda did most of the talking.
She was feeling confident and sexy.
I like my life.
I love my job, I love my friends.
She couldn't believe how comfortable this new Miranda felt.
And I love meeting new people...
like you.
Miranda had no idea what had changed.
I want pure class.
I'm thinking ash...
or a charcoal-gray matte inside the frame.
Inch on either side?
Even though Samantha had done the photo just for her...
she still wanted to be seen a certain way by men.
Charcoal would bring out the gray tones.
The matte should stop about an inch away from my breast...
right here, see my breast?
And then stop right around here, near my ass.
See that?
Right near my ass.
How's next Thursday?
Whatever.
And you took this one of Cindy Crawford. See, "Photo by Paul Denai."
How can you still remember? It was the '90s.
It was '92.
I loved her beauty mark so much.
I used to pencil one on, you know, and then...
I'd move it around whenever I had a blemish.
So, you know, it'd be here, then here...
and sometimes here and here.
Here's another one.
- Man. - I can't believe you have this book.
- It's getting embarrassing. - Are you crazy? I love this.
When I first moved to New York, and I was broke...
sometimes I would buy Vogue instead of dinner.
I just felt it fed me more.
I used to do all that high-fashion shit...
but the behind-the-scenes stuff I'm doing now is so much better.
It's more real.
Real. Ick.
The reality of people and all their little flaws...
it's the little flaws that make them so much more beautiful.
Forget reality and tell me about the models.
Who's a big bitch and who's a bigger bitch?
Sorry...
I never click and tell.
Why are you so fascinated with the models?
I just love 'em.
They're just beautiful.
I wanna show you something.
You show me...
one model...
who's more alive...
or more beautiful than her.
- So, which one is your new boyfriend? - It was only one kiss.
It's so predictable. A model dating a photographer.
Stanny, I'm a model.
Excuse me.
I may have a stroke. Do I look all right?
I'm nervous about the Charlotte fix-up.
You look fabulous, have fabulous seats. Everything's gonna be fabulous.
- I can't think about you now. I'm a model. - You're a supermodel.
I made them put me in these super high heels.
I'm gonna be so freaking tall.
Supermodel and super size it, please.
Excuse me, hi, I'm Carrie Bradshaw. Where do I go?
Over with the non-models.
What's her problem?
- Gucci and Dolce and Dior. - Oh, my.
Look, this is the Polaroid of the dress.
Me likie.
That's a fashion thing.
Here's one of Frank Rich.
And Fran Lebowitz.
These are the other real people?
Okay, what the fuck's wrong?
Frank Rich, Lynne?
Fran Lebowitz? What, Dolce & Gabbana couldn't get Ed Koch?
Gucci got him, what's the problem?
I'm such an idiot.
- Actually convinced myself I belonged here. - You do belong here.
Can I go home?
No, the entire show is timed per model.
I'm a non-model.
But you're fabulous.
Lighten up.
Okay, so you're not Heidi Klum.
But you're the modeliest of the real people.
I mean, he told me I was sexy. And then he didn't want to kiss me.
Was it me? Suddenly I wasn't sexy? What does it mean?
Who knows? He's a man.
You can lay your pussy on a table in front of one...
and still not know what he's thinking.
And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...
There's been a change, you're not wearing this.
You're wearing this.
Okay.
I'm gonna need to speak to someone.
I had to lose the dress, love.
I saw that Dior is showing something similar right before you.
It's a fashion house of cards.
I can't wear jeweled underwear.
I just want you to look at them. Aren't they fantastic?
How can I make this clear?
Me no likie.
Paul, can you do something? Okay, but not that.
Oh, my God!
- Try them on, you'll love them. - No, please, really, I'm gonna faint.
I can't wear jeweled panties and strut out in front of Frank Rich.
I respect Frank Rich. Frank Rich is a writer.
You're not just wearing panties, love.
They come with a fantastic coat. Trot round there and try them on.
I have a certain look, you know? And I just really don't think...
that jeweled panties is it.
If you look like a whale, we won't send you out there.
We're Dolce & Gabbana, for Chrissakes. Now come out or I'm coming in.
God!
Fantastic.
Now the hair's all wrong. We need big hair.
Char, this is so exciting.
Stanford Blatch, this is Anthony Marantino.
Hi.
Marantino, is that Italian?
Sicilian.
Is that different?
Yeah.
I'd better go check on Carrie.
Ed Harris?
Try "Ed, I have no hair-is."
I thought you two would hit it off.
Why, because he's gay and I'm gay?
Let me clear something up for you.
I'm a nice little package. I got good arms and a high, tight ass.
I could do a lot better.
Ten minutes and ten hair extensions later...
I can't believe Charlotte would set me up with such a queen.
Is that who she thinks I am? Someone who'd date such queen?
I don't have time to decipher the levels of queendom in your world right now.
Would you please go get me another champagne?
That is big hair.
- Thank you. - Orlando, she looks fabulous.
We need the big eyes to go with the big hair.
- Kevyn Aucoin, Carrie Bradshaw. - Nice to meet you, ready for makeup?
Okay, sure.
Hi, I know you're a genius, but here's the thing.
- I'm a writer. - I know, I'm a big fan of your column.
Don't worry, you're gonna look fabulous.
- Okay. - Okay?
- Here. - Nobody's listening to me.
- They keep telling me I'm fabulous. - You are fabulous.
Bring Samantha here. She'll tell me the truth.
- I can't go back. That queen's out there. - Go.
Crisis. Carrie needs to see you backstage.
Where's her highness?
- What? - Your little friend, where is he?
He had to go.
Why? He didn't like me?
He had...
a decorating emergency.
I've been rejected by someone I wasn't interested in.
I hate when that happens.
Lynne, we're okay to go.
Lights, go.
Music cue four, go.
Gucci.
Samantha?
Tell me the truth. I know people don't mean it when they say that, but I do.
Honey...
you're a model.
- You'd tell me, right? - Absolutely.
You're a model.
Look how tall I am. The shoes were my idea.
- Christian Dior. - I gotta get out there.
- Go, model. - All right.
You're Heidi Klum.
- Wow! Those are fantastic. - Really?
Do I look okay?
- You look fabulous. - Thanks. Okay, let's go.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
- Wait till you see our gal. - Really?
When is she coming out?
She's next.
- Dolce & Gabbana. - Carrie, go.
Didn't I tell you?
Fuck me hard!
Heidi, go.
Oh, my God, she's fashion roadkill.
Stop fucking taking my picture.
I had a choice, I could slink off the runway and let my inner model die of shame...
or I could pick myself up, flaws and all, and finish.
And that's just what I did.
Because when real people fall down in life...
they get right back up and keep on walking.
Katia, go.
Turns out, my little act of bravery...
inspired three other people to acts of bravery as well.
Miranda faced her fear of knowing the truth.
- Hi. - Hi.
I'm really confused.
I thought we had a good time and then you never called.
And I never called because you never called.
I guess that's fine, but...
I just have to know. Did I do something?
No. Yeah...
I don't know.
We were sitting on the couch, and you just...
You seem a little full of yourself.
Okay, glad we straightened that out.
Cheeseburger and fries.
Samantha faced her fear of what real food would do to her perfect figure.
Thanks.
Nice ass.
I didn't tip you enough.
And Charlotte faced her fear of seeing herself.
And just like Narcissus before her...
Charlotte became so mesmerized by what she saw, that...
And as for me...
I tucked my jeweled underwear and my inner model away...
where they belonged...
and went back to my life as a real person.
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Ripped by RavyDavy part of the [RL] Crew